As awareness of the LGBTQIA+ community grows, many parents question the “right way” to explain ideas like inequality, gender identity, and sexual orientation in an age-appropriate way.
There have also been very public debates — in media and historically — that frame these conversations as inherently inappropriate, as if LGBTQIA+ people are themselves an affront to decency.
The truth is, there are ways to discuss these identities and experiences without veering beyond the scope of what’s developmentally appropriate, and experts in children’s health are largely in agreement on best practices.
In this article, we’ll explain how to meet your child’s questions about LGBTQ identity with confidence, compassion, and sensitivity.
When Do I Have the Conversation?
Many parents imagine introducing their child to LGBTQIA+ issues in the same way they imagine more intimate conversations, like the “sex talk.”
But the truth is, talking about LGBTQIA+ people is not inherently a “sexual” conversation, the same way that discussing a heterosexual couple is not.
Gay couples aren’t inherently different from straight couples, apart from the genders involved and societal beliefs about which relationships are acceptable (and which ones aren’t). So having these conversations early on is not just okay — it’s encouraged.
Remember: Children aren’t usually confused by these topics because they’re naturally curious and open-minded!
It may also come as a relief to know that these topics are best discussed over multiple conversations that happen as a child gets older. This is better thought of as something that will come up organically, as a topic you can explore alongside your child over time, rather than feeling pressured to have a “one and done” conversation at a specific age.
The Golden Rule: Let Your Child’s Curiosity Lead
Parents are encouraged to allow their child’s curiosity to lead, especially when they’re younger.
Wait for organic opportunities to come up, like a child asking, “Can I marry a boy OR a girl?” Stick to the questions you’re asked, and don’t overexplain or offer up more information than what your child is looking for.
Your child will have their own pace and interest in this topic, and meeting them at that pace can help contain the conversation appropriately.
While society, religious or faith organizations, school and peer groups, as well as media, can all impact exposure to these topics, you don’t need to preempt your child’s questions or limit their exposure.
Instead, trust that you have a secure enough relationship to discuss these topics when your child is ready to, in a compassionate and calm way.
That said, depending on their age, the types of topics and answers you offer will vary, as child development tends to follow some specific patterns. We’ll outline those generally below.
How to Discuss LGBTQ People, By Age Group
It’s important to remember that conversations about LGBTQIA+ people will become more complex with age, but the basics of respect, love, and empathy remain the same.
We’re not teaching kids complex theory in these conversations! We’re modeling the importance of respecting differences and establishing emotional safety by affirming that everyone is deserving of love and kindness, no matter who they are or who they love.
Preschool Age (~3-5 years old)
It’s a normal part of child development for children at this age to be curious about bodies, gender expression (like the clothes they wear), and to observe how adults interact with one another, including romantically.
That means a child may ask about a gay couple they see holding hands or why a neighbor who’s a girl has short hair.
What to do
Keep your answers simple and direct! Emphasize that differences exist, and those differences are okay (some children have two mommies, some boys marry other boys, different people prefer different hairstyles, etc).
What not to do
Overcomplicate things! At this stage of cognitive development, children aren’t looking for nuanced answers — they’re looking for reassurance that difference isn’t dangerous or strange, and that it’s a healthy and normal part of life.
Early Elementary (~6-8 years old)
At this age, a child’s capacity for detail is expanding. Therefore, they may notice things that seem contradictory, and are trying to square this information with what they’re more familiar with.
Most often, you may encounter specific observations, like why some boys paint their nails and wear jewelry while others don’t, or more amusing questions, like why mommy married a man and not another woman, because mommies are better.
This is where simple terms like gay (“a boy who likes boys”), lesbian (“a girl who likes girls”), and transgender (“someone whose inside feeling of girl or boy doesn’t match what people thought”) may also be introduced, depending on a child’s level of exposure and the questions they have.
What to do
Normalize differences while encouraging curiosity and self-reflection!
You might say, “Some boys paint their nails, and others don’t! Being a boy doesn’t always mean dressing a particular way. I love his green nail color. Would you paint your nails that color?” “That’s an interesting idea! I married your Daddy because I love him very much. Would you rather have another Mommy?”
What not to do
Discourage their questioning as “not nice” or “inappropriate.” Questions are very appropriate when we’re young and still learning! Keep affirming that you’re a safe person to ask questions with, rather than worrying about whether or not their questions are polite.
Later Elementary (~9-11 years old)
This is typically where the “why” becomes more central to a child’s questioning, and this may include conversations about fairness.
Your child may have peers at this stage who are openly questioning or sharing their own identity, or may have observed bullying or hostility toward classmates who express their gender or romantic orientation in a different way (so, a boy having a crush on a boy, for example).
What to do
Affirm that sometimes, yes, people are judged for who they love or how they express their gender, and yes, that isn’t fair. What’s important is that we treat others kindly, no matter who they are.
If your child asks why people are mistreated in this way, keep it simple: People are afraid of what they don’t know or understand, and sometimes, people put others down to feel more powerful or strong, but that isn’t okay to do. Emphasize that if they’re ever feeling unsafe or mistreated, or if someone else they know is, you’re there to help guide and support them.
What not to do
Don’t assume that your child is only speaking about other children if they share about a peer experience, or that their questions are relevant only to others and not to them. Some children may be questioning their own identity (if they haven’t already), and these conversations will model how safe you are should they need support.
Middle School (~12-14 years old)
Once a child begins puberty, conversations about sexual orientation, attraction, and exploration become more normal and widespread.
This means being more specific can be empowering (LGBTQIA+ stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, asexual, and intersex, among others), as this can help your child locate themselves and their peers with empathy and care.
You might also share about the differences between sexual orientation, sexual behavior, gender identity, and biological sex, while emphasizing that untangling what this all means to them is a normal part of adolescence, and they don’t need to figure it all out at once.
What to do
Remain calm! Many parents feel nervous when their child is stepping into adolescence, but your confidence and neutrality will help you remain a steady and trustworthy ally whom they feel safe to continue sharing with.
What not to do
Don’t confuse exploration with danger or permission to engage in risky sexual behavior! Healthy adolescents will have crushes, desires, and questions about their identity, expression, and place in the world. This is a normal part of the transition from child to teen.
High School (~15-18 years old)
This is often where young people are locating LGBTQIA+ issues in a broader social context, as well as exploring their own identity more intentionally through peer and social groups, as well as media.
It can be tempting for parents to insert their own beliefs at this stage of a teen’s development, but it’s often more important to foster critical thinking.
This means asking a child what they think, where they might seek out trustworthy information on these topics, and how this translates to their value system (what they consider to be most important, like courage, equality, love, family, kindness).
What to do
Remain compassionate and open-minded. It’s important to remember that teens may be “testing” a parent or caregiver’s responses to these topics to determine if it’s safe for them to open up about their own experiences. A strong foundation of trust will go a long way to keep the parent-child relationship safe and healthy.
What not to do
Don’t speak on a topic or offer a perspective if you aren’t knowledgeable about it! It’s okay (and healthy) to model seeking out resources — like books, podcasts, mentors, community spaces — to get more information. This is how we foster discernment in young people, rather than posturing as experts in every arena.
Will Discussing LGBTQIA+ Issues ‘Influence’ My Child?
Yes, but not in the ways that many parents assume!
If a child grows up to be LGBTQIA+, it’s not because someone convinced them — it’s something inherent, because gender identity and sexual orientation are a part of us, not something that comes from outside of us.
While a child’s willingness to explore a part of themselves can be reinforced by the culture at large, including their family system, that’s a natural byproduct of removing shame — not by making it “trendy” to become LGBTQIA+, but by making it safer to explore and accept.
The real question is, how do you want your child to feel about themselves? Any child can be queer, transgender, or gender expansive. Do you want them to feel afraid, self-hating, ashamed? Or do you want them to feel accepted and loved by you, no matter what?
Research has shown that families that practice acceptance around LGBTQIA+ identity drastically reduce the odds of mental health issues that can be so pervasive in this community. One study found that LGBTQIA+ teens who are accepted by their families saw a staggering 50% reduction in suicide attempts compared to peers who do not come from supportive families.
LGBTQIA+ or not, you’re more likely to harm your child’s mental health by making your support of them conditional than you are by being curious and nonjudgmental about who they may become.
What If We’re a Religious or More Traditional Family?
Many parents who come from more religious, “traditional,” or socially conservative cultures may struggle to have conversations about LGBTQIA+ identity with their child.
It’s understandable that this learning curve can make a topic like this feel emotionally charged!
Please know that many families just like yours have been through a similar process. In their hearts, they want to be kind and supportive — especially when it comes to their children — but in their heads, they’re still wrestling with years of beliefs and messages that make it difficult to reconcile.
